NOT APPLE PIE – RECIPE

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This is not apple pie.

It’s something that maybe is a little bit enough like apple pie to subdue a craving for the real thing. This is how I eat, when what I wanna eat is apple pie, and there is not a special occasion in sight to justify all that flour and sugar.

No I’m not going to write up some gay ten-page story about how I came up with the recipe and how much my husband loves it. But just so we’re clear, he fucking loves it. Okay?

Also, to be clear: you have to eat this while it’s still hot. Or at least warm. It’s made with gelatin as a thickener, which will set. If you don’t have plain gelatin in your house to add to soups and things like that… you probably should. I like grass-fed beef gelatin. The Knox stuff is smelly.

Here’s what you need:

– 2 slices of bacon, cut up
– 1 large apple, sliced fairly thin
– handful of pecans
– 2 tbsp plain gelatin powder (mix with abt. 1/2 cup water)
– tiny drizzle of honey
– tiny pinch of salt
– sprinkle of nutmeg
– sprinkle of cinnamon

– heavy cream for topping

1. Cook the bacon in a pan. I didn’t get a picture of the bacon in the pan, but you can see I cooked it nice and crispy in the picture below. Set aside to cool.

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2. Toast the pecans in the bacon fat. Take them out before they burn! Lightly toasted is better than dark. They are delicate. In the picture above, they are done. Set aside to cool. Ooh, look: my stovetop is dirty. Dirty, dirty stovetop.

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3. LEAVE ALL OF THE FAT IN THE PAN. Now cook the apples in it, with the nutmeg, cinnamon, and salt. Add a little water here and there and let them simmer until they get soft.

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4. Add your little drizzle of honey. I guess this is optional if you’re a REALLY special snowflake who absolutely cannot have any added sweeteners ever. Let everything cook down and get a little caramelly.

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5. Add gelatin (pictured here mixed with water in a cup). Make sure you get any lumps out BEFORE you do this; it’s easy to work them out when they’re cold – not when they’re hot. You don’t want hard lumps of gelatin. Keep cooking until the gelatin is completely melted and the sauce is nice and thick. If it seems too thick, add a little water. Think “syrupy.” That’s when it’s DONE.

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6. Dump that mess in a bowl, top it with heavy cream (I like mine whipped, always unsweetened), chop up the bacon and toasted pecans and throw those on there too – and if you can handle it, drizzle just a tiny bit more honey over the top. I drizzled half a teaspoon in while cooking, and another half teaspoon at the end.

7. EAT IT WHILE IT’S HOT.

Note about cookwear: I used my brother’s shiny new nonstick pan for these pictures, because it kinda shows what’s going on with the colors of the things – but I don’t generally recommend nonstick pans. I would typically make this in my big cast iron skillet, and I like that a lot better. Those newfangled nonstick things are so lightweight, they slide around all over the place when you try to stir what’s in them.

It’s not apple pie, but it’s p. good.

Desktop Editor Saves the Day! (and other software musings)

I decided to try a desktop editor before I abandon blogging entirely.

“Open Live Writer” is excellent. It’s like using standard word processing software. I don’t have to deal with the retarded block editor.

Maybe it seems silly to abandon blogging entirely over something like a software change – but I simply don’t have any patience for being “kept on my toes” by something that is SUPPOSED TO BE a TOOL for implementation at my discretion. Modern operating systems are the same way. All software is going down this path of shifting and changing so much in terms of user interface and functionality – it’s almost as if choosing a piece of software is now akin to fostering a CHILD, requiring near-constant attention and maintenance from the user. I find this unacceptable.

I see a switch back to Linux in my near future as well. You know, I actually LIKED Windows quite well – from Windows 95, all the way up to Windows XP (ME sucked, but 2K Pro was my favorite) and if I’m being generous, 7 wasn’t completely awful. 8 and up are complete H O R S E S H I T . Full stop. No apologies.

I just want an operating system that does what I tell it to do. I think the fact that this is NIGH UNHEARD OF in the consumer market nowadays has some pretty dire implications, but I don’t want to get too much into that.

I’m also jumping ship on smart phones entirely and switching back to my old Samsung Rugby 4 as soon as I can sweet-talk my husband into dealing with the phone company. I wouldn’t have a cell phone AT ALL if I had my druthers, but he insists. I’ve been using his old iPhone SE that he already had on his plan, and I find it small and unobtrusive… but I still hate it. As someone who only wants basic phone functionality, I find smart phones burdensome. Touch screens are retarded. Gimme my clicky buttons.

AND GET OFF MY LAWN, WHIPPERSNAPPER.

All good things come to an end.

I was just gearing up to start writing in earnest, but the new WordPress editor is so utterly garbage that I don’t think I can do it anymore. It used to be a powerful tool, now it is nigh unusable.

It’s so bloated compared to the old editor, I can literally type an entire sentence out before any of the text shows up on the screen. It takes a few moments for the editor to catch up.

Block Editor was obvs. designed and built by a team of retarded pigeons.

How utterly typical, though: build a decent platform, get people to buy into it, then change it into something so godawful that people will pay you money AGAIN… just to be able to DOWNGRADE to use the OLD version.

I guess hosting on WordPress.com was a mistake.