Dear World,

Since I’m waiting for elastic to arrive, I’ve spent the last couple days cutting fabric. I realized I could use more of what I had and make it go a lot farther if I paired a knit fabric for one side with a woven fabric for the other side. The woven layer acts as a stabilizer, which makes it easier to sew AND ensures that the final product holds its shape.

I just did a tally, and I’ve managed to scrounge up enough blanks to make just over 300 masks. I’m sure I’ll run out of good elastic before that, but I think I figured out a way to use some other elastics that I already have in fairly large quantities (foldover and beading elastic).

It occurs to me, as I share these little details about my daily goings-on in “lockdown mode,” that talking about my life in any meaningful way is probably going to effectively “doxx” me to anybody who actually knows me who might stumble across this tiny little corner of the internet.

I decided I don’t really care.

But let me be clear: if you DO know me, and you happen to happen upon this ill-advised little blog of mine and think you’ve got me figured out… just don’t be a dick about it, okay? If I wanted to talk about this stuff with a real person who will talk back to me in real-time, I’d be doing that. If you ask me about my blog, I will never admit to you that it exists, or that I have any idea what you’re talking about.

Unless I do.




Dear World,

I’ve been shoveling data into my brain, for weeks now, at a rate of speed bordering on absurdity.

People have always urged me to use my considerable brainpower for this thing or that thing (usually making money), but I’ve always preferred to stand on the sidelines and observe. Calculate. Intuit.

I can USUALLY gain a fair understanding of what will happen next in any given situation by taking this approach; by “taking in” as much as I can, clearing my internal queue, and just letting the gears turn as they will.

Most folks don’t understand this process, but it’s real – and it works. Otherwise people wouldn’t call me things like “scary,” “spooky,” “intimidating,” “witch,” etc. – ALL. THE. BLOODY. TIME. Just for knowing things that are glaringly obvious to me.

I don’t know how this one is going to go.

I find myself now in the rare position of being fundamentally incapable of discerning the truth based on the data available to me. I don’t know enough about epidemiology, biology, chemistry, world politics and economy, etc. I am left with only vague hunches and inklings, which lack cohesion.

Perhaps for the first time, in this instance, I feel well and truly absolved of mortal obligation.

It is suddenly no wonder to me that, so often, highly intelligent and worldly people end up turning to God in times of crisis.

It’s not mortal fear, it’s not an act of “just in case” desperation, of seeking grace in the face of peril and uncertainty… in my case, anyway.

It’s that I’ve been pushed to the point where FAITH is suddenly the only rational truth.

The truth, for ALL OF US, is that someday we will reach the limit or the exhaustion of our mortal faculties. The truth, FOR ALL OF US, is that we will one day fall short in our understanding or ability. The truth, for all of us, is that we will eventually have to put our faith – our trust, our hope, our dependence – in SOMETHING.

There is freedom in realizing that this is true ALWAYS – and has been true always. I did not HAVE to come this far in my understanding of worldly principles and matters, I did not NEED to smack existentially into the ceiling of my earthly capacities in order to justify my ascension into the paradigm of faith.

Faith is a choice that is always valid. It is not “made valid” by or in light of worldly achievement.

I choose faith in God, and in His plan for humanity – whatever that may be.

To that end, I’m going to unplug from the broader media and focus on the people I care about.

Over the years I’ve amassed a somewhat comical collection of old laptops and mobile devices. I almost can’t turn around in my house without tripping over a device that wants to feed me all the latest to-do. All of them are going into storage. I’ll have my desktop computer, and that’s IT. No more sitting in my workshop reading the news when I could be sewing.

I’m not sticking my head in the sand or anything – there just comes a point when you have to take what you’ve gleaned and WALK AWAY.



Muscle Memory Musings

It amazes me how the body can remember things. I haven’t done assembly line sewing in ages, but now that I have my pattern figured out, I can almost turn my mind off while I work – or let it wander.

I bought some fabric several weeks ago to make some curtains for my kids’ loft beds, and now I’m using a little piece to make each of them a face mask. What a thing to be doing.

I’ve given a few prototypes away to people I know, and I’ve got a few leads from a neighbor for at least a couple other local ladies who want to help make masks, too – so I guess I’ll have to put a simple pattern together and send it around.

I just ordered more elastic. It’s getting hard to find!

I worry more and more about the economic and political fallout of this pandemic as I settle further into comfortable isolation. I don’t really care about having to stay home – but I’m a little spooked by the shelter in place order. I remember watching videos of what was going on in Wuhan a few weeks ago and thinking that it looked an awful lot like the leadership over there fully exploited the opportunity to flex their power.

I’m not totally confident our own government won’t do the same. Isn’t already doing the same.

Now, I hate politics. I find it entirely distasteful. And yet I always find myself dragged into it.

I’m not going to offer much in the way of political commentary here, because I think that’s best left to those who are not me – but I do keep an “eye to the stars and a finger to the winds,” so to speak, and this situation has my hackles raised.

Lots of people are worried about rent and bills right now, and I suppose I am in the now-fortunate position of having more or less CHOSEN poverty several years back. As soon as housing started to get really expensive where I live, I rounded up my brother and a couple of delightful coworkers and conscripted them as housemates. My rent burden is blessedly small. And they have been good housemates. My husband moved in with me when we got engaged – and we’ve been here since. Every time he’s suggested looking for a place of our own, I’ve hemmed and hawed over committing to a substantial increase in our housing costs. “WHAT IF SOMETHING CRAZY HAPPENS?” I said.

I’m still waiting to see how things actually shake down in terms of help for people who have lost income. We’ve certainly lost a bit – but even if we don’t qualify for any of those checks folks are hoping for, I think we’ll be OK.

It’s a funny thing (also sad) to think that for a lot of people, it would be catastrophic for them to be reduced to living within MY means – while I could comfortably tighten up my budgets quite a bit yet.

Cheers to being poor, I guess.

It builds character.

Settling In

I’m definitely sick, but my symptoms remain mostly mild. I did just cave and take some Tylenol for my headache, which I’ve had all day – but aside from that I’ve felt OK. Only a tiny bit of a fever today, flitting in and out.

I’ve got my face mask design worked out. I made one following a pattern I found on the internet for a basic surgical-style mask, and tried it on – then I yawned and it popped right down off of my nose. That won’t do. It takes just a few more square inches of fabric to make something that provides good secure coverage. I also added a moldable nose piece and a couple little pleats at the chin, to eliminate gaps and also for comfort. I think I can make a few dozen before I run out of materials.

We are now under a “shelter in place” order. I think I’m well-prepared for it, but we’ll see. I feel a little bit calmer now that they’ve told everyone to stay at home. It will be interesting to see how it all plays out. The kids are taking it well. It’s certainly not the worst time in history to be a natural-born homebody.

Mass Depopulation Events

This is something I’ve been thinking about for months, and this pandemic is only throwing fuel on the fires of my contemplation.

The thing is this: every so often, throughout known history, a whole bunch of people have to die.

No matter what sorts of technological or social structures we put in place, this seems to be a hard and inescapable rule.

This is why I’ve never bought into the hype about anthropogenic climate change – it’s pretty obvious to me that when humans reproduce and consume beyond the threshold that is sustainable, SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN that kills a bunch of them off.

War. Famine. Pestilence. Disaster. Disease.

In ages past, people understood this phenomenon in the context of “angry gods” who required large-scale human sacrifice (population control) for their appeasement. Human sacrifice was a way of ensuring that harvests and rains would be sufficient – effectively by way of limiting the population to a number that can sustainably live off of the natural resources available in any given area of settlement.

Today, people STILL understand this phenomenon in the context of angry gods, more or less – rebranded as “nature” and “science” – which require large-scale human sacrifice for the implementation of their “scientific” population-control models which are aimed at mitigating, or avoiding entirely, the natural consequences of unchecked population growth and unchecked resource consumption. The key difference being an overwhelming shift in sacrificial demographics – namely, the shift from conscious (if not necessarily voluntary) sacrifice of the already-born, to the unconscious sacrifice of the unborn.

Something I’ve repeated a million times, grumbling under my breath in response to people who usually look at me like I’m crazy, is that humans seem bent on working on the wrong end of every problem.

This is perhaps one of the most fundamental problems which faces humanity today. Even if you don’t believe in God, the idea of limiting the size of a population by killing new growth in lieu of pruning away that which is closest to death can ONLY have the effect of slowly killing the entire population. The rate of decay exceeds the rate of regeneration.

People seem to have it in their heads that by selectively sacrificing new life, they can somehow halt the decay of old age, and at the same time eliminate or reduce the incidence of mass-depopulation events.

This isn’t a new idea – it’s only a new FORMAT. Prenatal Termination of Life (and, to an extent, all contraception technology) is the latest trend in human sacrifice.

And it does. not. work.

It undermines the adaptive mechanisms of human biology. Period.

What does NOT undermine the adaptive mechanisms of human biology is for the old, the frail, the terminally ill, etc. to die and to more or less become fertilizer for future generations.

This is the natural order of things; an order which will continue to dictate the terms of our existence, no matter how hard we try to circumvent the consequences of our own mortality by hastening those of others. It is a losing strategy which leaves us systemically weak, both quantitatively AND qualitatively, in the face of the ultimate consequences of unsustainable behavior and consumption on the society level.

From a “faith” perspective – this sort of pandemic illness is the righteous consequence of the hubris that created the global systems which have allowed it to explode into nearly every population. Big-picture, it’s like a microcosm of the fall of man.

I’m not totally convinced yet that this will be “the big one.” I’m not totally convinced that this virus is not actually ITSELF a deliberately engineered mechanism of population-control-by-involuntary-human-sacrifice. At this point I’m just waiting and watching to see how things shake out.

But at BEST, all I can really say is that “the big one” is still lurking somewhere around the corner.

You can still run… for now. But you can’t hide.