I see things.
I know things.
I have no understanding of the mechanism, and I have no control over it.
I can’t brag that I have some kind of special power or talent in my repertoire.
I can’t read thoughts, and I can’t project them. But the regularity with which I have accurately foreseen various events and gleaned insight into certain truths which were hidden, is fairly staggering. Do I ever get to see what I’d like to see? Do I ever get to choose? Of course not.
When I was younger, I explained this away as “having a really powerful supercomputer in my brain, constantly running predictive/probability algorithms.” Pair that idea with a nice tall glass of Assumed Confirmation Bias, and there you go.
That explanation calms people down when they get spooked by my predictions and insights, and it calmed me down for a while – but in reality, it does not account for what I have experienced.
There are so many specific stories that I want to tell, but don’t – because honestly, while they are small and humble stories, the specific details of them are unlikely enough that some hypothetical deranged person might be able to use them to triangulate my identity. Maybe someday I won’t care so much – but right now I still like hiding. I’m a nobody anyway. I promise you’ve never heard of me. Being a nobody is quite delightful.
The older I get, and the more I learn, the more I believe that the things I see and the things I know (inexplicably) are more of a curse than a gift. I’ve often wished I could simply stop doing this. To stop receiving those visions, or signals, or bouts of hyper-intuition or whatever they are.
It’s not as though the soundness of my mind has never been tested or proved; it most certainly has been, many times over. I have a great deal of discipline, and I do not allow the things I “see” to dictate my course or my actions. I’ve never hung my hat on dreams or visions. Rather, I wait – and I watch – and I see what happens. And my heart sinks a little further into my stomach each time I see something “unlikely” come to pass in exactly the way I’ve foreseen it. Sometimes I’ve spent years waiting to see that I was actually right; that’s the most creepy.
It’s exhausting. I don’t like it.